Broken in a Broken Circle
by DesiCat
Summary: Neria Surana defeated the Arch demon with no personal losses. As Warden Commander things didn't go smoothly against the Mother in Amaranthine. Cullen still distrustful and traumatized by Uldred's rebellion, struggles with his "logic" and his truth. With a great deal of help they heal and forge together.


**I'm leaving this in progress for now. I'm not sure if I want or need to add more to it, would appreciate knowing if you have an opinion on that.**

He thought for a moment he was still in bed, dreaming. Greagoir walk past him and Wynne was running. The Enchanter skidded to a halt and coughed to cover a gasp.

"Neria, welcome." Greagoir seemed overly rigged.

The woman tottered a little bit while turning to face the knight commander the elf that came with her put his arm around her waist to properly face the old templar.

"Greagoir?"

He nodded cleared his throat a little embarrassed, "Yes child it's me. I heard you are engaged is this him?"

She sagged and the elf held her a tightly. He grinned, hollowly, "It is not for the lack of trying. I'm Zevran, a friend."

Someone outside, "Kester! I swear I'm not an apostate! I'm a grey warden, My commander is just inside."

Greagoir turned to Cullen, "Go apprehend Anders."

Neria straighten glaring a little to the left of Greagoir, "Anders is not an apostate to be apprehended. He is a Grey Warden."

Irving had came down, "I'll get him. I don't know what Kester is thinking."

When Anders came in a huff, "You know the templars have been dragging me back for years, I come here voluntarily and I'm refused."

Irving patted his back, "I never thought to see you again young man. Cullen would you escort them to the quarter between me and Wynne."

Greagoir, "I'll get doors installed tonight."

Cullen looked grim, "For the mages?"

Anders smirked, "For the Wardens."

Zevran, "I am not a warden, but I would appreciate some privacy. I would not complain though if you square jawed templar likes what you see."

Cullen stiffened, "Follow." He heard Zevran tell Neria when they reached flat spots in the stairwells and when the stairs began. The man was unfailingly patient holding his friend. Cullen slowed his pace and tried to make no noise of frustration. He stared ahead straining not to look at her. Trying to remember the reality of what the desire demon gave him was not true. He wasn't sure if wanted to cut her down or pick her up. He could drain Anders of magic, Zevran was small. Seemingly agile though, the point was moot. He could not strike unlike she gave him cause. At least more cause than being a mage.

Anders waited next to him, "Oghren told me what happened in the circle. I'm sorry that so many died from Uldred's foolishness." Cullen nodded, waiting for Anders tirade of the mistreatment of mage made them act out. It didn't come. He looked at Anders in askance, "right now politics can wait."

Wynne had help the young woman change and was examining her eyes. "Anders did a good job with you."

"He should have let me die."

The old woman was taken aback at the conviction, "Perhaps, for now you are alive, if only a little handicapped."

Neria, "Only a little? I'm blind Wynne, I could not see the people I was responsible for, that I love, put onto the pyre. Anders had to help me kiss him goodbye." Tears rolled down her face and she refused Wynne's embrace. "Good night Wynne."

Anders poked his head into his former mentor's room, "Did you examine her?"

Wynne nodded gesturing at a chair, "We could restore her sight, with some Salves and eye drops. She isn't strong enough right now. What happened? I heard darkspawn attacked the city of Amaranthine and the Keep."

"We repelled them. Neria took the fight to the Mother, a crazy broodmother that could give orders. She took Oghren, Velanna, and Justice. Nathaniel was constable and was ordered to stay behind, he went anyway. The next day Barkspawn dragged me, all dead, and she was barely breathing." Anders was clenching his fists.

"Where is Barkspawn?"

He was left behind under my care, at the keep he ingested too much blood, I had to put him down after the funeral he-" The man was shaking trying to keep himself together. She stood next to him hold him to her, feeling tears soak through her robes. "We can fix her? Please tell me we can fix her."

"Her physical injuries, yes."

"Her soul?"

"That is largely up to her."

Greagoir station him right on that floor, and ordered the other templars not to exchange with Cullen. He asked the Knight Commander why and received a blank stare. Every morning when he replaced the night guard, he'd hear her sobbing. The other templar would mention if it was continuous or if she had nightmares that Zevran or Anders would run in to wake her. One morning Zevran or Anders didn't come fast enough, and could hear stifled screams. Cullen went in seeing her trying the thrash in her sleep and knelt down to shake her. She launched herself at him sobbing.

"Nate, I thought you died!"

He didn't know what to do, he stayed there unmoving. His throat felt tight, unbidden the memory of the desire demon giving him a version of Neria that was this close whispering name pulling his hands under her robes. Her hand on his face started him out of his thoughts, she flinched away. "I'm sorry, Cullen. I didn't"

He found his kerchief and pressed it into her hand. "Don't apologize. I had nightmares, I confused people."

"Does it get better?" she was hiccuping and so he poured her a glass of water.

"No." he walked out the door. Seeing Zevran, looking haggard. "Elf, go back to sleep you are useless like this."

After his shift he approach Greagoir speaking to Irving. Waiting politely until his Commander gestured at him to speak.

"Commander with your permission, I will begin to walk Neria during my guard shift."

Irving raised an eyebrow before chuckling, "And has she transformed into a dog?"

Cullen flushed a little, "She is injured, her lying about is helping no one."

Greagoir, "She has refused."

Cullen, "With your permission I will not give her a choice."

Greagoir glancing sideways to Irving and then nodded, it took a few days for Cullen to actually work up the nerve. He poked his head in one morning, seeing her staring unseeingly into the wall. Anders was passed out in a chair. Rage boiled up, those two are suppose to cause mischief. He remember catching them stealing blackberries once from the kitchens. He was going to report them, but the memory of her grinning cheekily at him, with seeds in her teeth, offering him a bit of fruit. Now she was wallowing in a grief that drowned her supporters. He tossed her slippers at her.

"Put them on we're walking."

"What are you-"

"Fine do without." He picked her up placing her on her feet, she was like a rag doll. A doll that he could feel was summoning her magic. "Are you serious, I'll drain your mana."

"You can't-"

"Are you questioning if I'm a templar, _mage?_ " He sneered the last bit and Anders snoring.

"Just leave me alone." He grabbed her wrist and dragged her behind him. He told her when they approached the stairs and he would not let go of her wrist. "Can you at least take off the gauntlet. You are hurting me." He did, dropping it to the ground, he'd find it later. Feeling her magic rise, he righteous striked. She rolled out of the way, down the stairs. He's eyes widened she wasn't moving. Suddenly she held up her arm, he saw the handprint bruise forming. "I was trying to heal myself."

"You should have said something."

"I should have kicked you down the stairs." she was on her feet healing herself. "Now that is over with can you take me back to my room?"

"I'm not going that way, but you are welcome to go yourself."

"I'm blind Cullen."

He put her hand on his arm, his ungloved hand lingers. The demon her didn't have such delicate knuckles. "Come with me on my rounds, and I'll eventually lead you back."

She snorted, "Lead on."

Cullen looked behind them, Wynne was staring down on them. Neither was sure if she was angry or amused.

Over the next few weeks Zevran had to leave. He received a message about someone suspicious lurking around King Alistair. Cullen didn't like it, he was the only one who could make Neria's mouth twitch briefly into a smile. Anders was going through his own mourning, but managed to 'teach' the occasional apprentice and read letters from Sigrun and Varel who were running Amaranthine. Daily the templar exercised the woman, in silence. Neither knew what to say, but he stopped wearing gloves, she never commented on his brushing his hand over her knuckles.

"You know Barkspawn hated the circle."

He blinked a few times, "He did come during the rebellion."

"True the circle wasn't at it's best."

"I heard he peed on the King."

She snickered, and his chest felt light. "Alistair was not king yet. We were fighting over something, I don't know what, we bickered a lot. Barkspawn just walked up to him, lifted a leg and pssss. Al was so shocked. Just stood and stared." They walked the rest of the day in a more comfortable silence.

They continued to talk a little by little conversation getting longer each time. One morning Neria was waiting on her bed with a basket and Anders.

"What is this?"

"We are going for a walk outside." Anders grinned.

Cullen nodded, "I'll talk to Greagoir."

"Cullen we are Grey Wardens." Anders smirked.

"Are you coming?" She was staring above his head, she seemed a little nervous. Maybe she was afraid she'd hurt herself. She or Anders could heal her, but maybe she'd feel better with a soldier next to her? Pulling himself out of his thoughts. He took her hand, brushing his thumb over her knuckles before placing it on his forearm.

Anders gave a sly smile, but refused the urge to nudge a templar in the ribs. Grey Warden or not, the mage knew when to not push his luck.

There seemed to be more color to her out in the sun, she would stumble Cullen would catch her. Trying to push away the constant memories of the desire demon portraying her. Anders grabbed her by the elbow, seeing Cullen needed some space. He was only a few steps ahead, surveying the land, he was getting hungry so there should be a nice shady spot for them. He heard her make a startled sound, falling out of Ander's grasp. The Templar lunged grabbing her, he was hugging her. Lowly she gasp his name, he didn't hear the thank you. He remembered the demon saying his name like that pulling him close. He let her go and turned away.

The other mage grabbed her by the the shoulders, "I'm sorry I didn't see that rock."

Cullen picked up the basket Ander's had dropped, "I'm hungry, that tree looks like it will give good shade."

They ate a bit in silence, well Anders was talking. Cullen didn't think it counted though. He watch Neria, guessing this is more than she normally eaten. He saw that a necklace had come out from under the neckline of her robes, "That necklace is pretty." It was and simple. A thick gold chain with a single sapphire hanging from it. "The stone matches your eyes." He saw Anders face pull, clearly the templar said the wrong thing.

"It was an engagement gift from Nathaniel. After I had ask him." Tears were forming in her eyes.

Cullen in the flatest way possible, "He must have been a brave man to marry such a witch." He felt Ander's magic rise, the templar would allow himself to be burned. He knew what was coming though.

She blinked a times in his general direction tears falling. Then she snickered, then giggled, then laughed much harder and longer than his jest deserved. Tears running, her gasping, Cullen decided she was the most beautiful woman possible. Demon her be damned.

Neria was better able to navigate by herself. One of the tranquil would read to her, help her identify herbs by smell. Cullen missed her constant presence, but it would be best. Blind or not, she'd would head back to Amaranthine soon to be the Arlessa and Commander. He heard Wynne and Anders arguing.

The old woman, "She is not ready."

Anders, "Amaranthine needs her, she isn't crying anymore. She is eating, she can do her duty."

"She has not ask not once if I can heal her. If we force it on her now she will get herself killed."

"She won't be alone in battle, dying is always a risk."

"She commits herself to everything with her whole being. She survived all of it, because she is level headed. She isn't herself yet, if we give her sight back, she'll head into battle without a strategic plan and die."

"I won't let her-"

"This Howe, must've been something, I've seen her spurn you and Alistair without so much as a second thought. She is broken Anders, I know you want to see her as she was. She is not."

"You are a healer. You cannot withhold treatment!" Anders stormed out, not seeing Cullen doing his best statue impersonation. Watching Wynne bury her face in her palms.

She was making Cullen read to her in the library, he would pause on purpose because she'd grip his hand. Her back stiffened suddenly.

"What is it?"

"A Grey Warden. The Grey Warden."

Cullen furrowed his brows, "I thought you were the Warden. Hero of Ferelden, Savior of Amaranthine." She sagged at the city's name. Standing she gracefully descended the steps. Cullen recognized the man, during the rebellion. He recommended Cullen stay in his cage, and hugged her shoulders when the tortured templar said she was no better than a maleficar if she'd spare one. If memory serves that man became King, he didn't look majestic. He looked like a fool the way he grinned.

"Alistair, wipe that grin off your face. It is not kingly." Neria opened her arms, he took the invitation to hug her.

"How did you know? I thought you were a blind ol' bat."

"Who needs eyes, I know you are an idiot." Cullen saw she joked, but there wasn't joy

He looked a little sheepish, "I'm sorry for not coming sooner."

Anders came down and leaned against the wall, "You missed a shit show."

Neria shook her head, "I'm sorry about Anora, are you okay?"

Alistair shrugged, "We knew me being a Grey Warden would make it tough. I thought when she got pregnant, I wouldn't have to worry. She told me miscarriages are normal, I just…" She hugged him again a little tighter.

Cullen felt like he was intruding on the intimate dinner. Wynne was delighted to see Alistair. She grinned, "Do you remember when Oghren was asking what Surana was doing in Camp?"

Alistair chuckled, "It was her camp. He branished his ax saying she had some nerve, then his head just lolled about and he passed out."

Wynne, "His ax was buried in his chest, I thought he was going to die. But no Zevran and her pulled it out, and she healed him."

Neria, "Well you wouldn't."

Wynne rolled her eyes, "If he was stupid enough to kill himself, I say have at it."

Cullen saw her jaw tightened, "He's dead, I couldn't even see how. I just heard it."

Wynne, "Neria I-"

She was already groping for the door handle and was out. They all stared at each other for a moment. Alistair stood, putting some more food on her plate and grabbing a jug of wine.

Anders, "I once convince Oghren that there are surface creatures that look like pants and if you put them on they'll bite your dick off."

Greagoir choked.

Alistair found her in the harrowing chamber pacing and growling. "This is where Uldred."

She nodded, "I passed my harrowing here. Cullen was standing there ready to cut me down. I wish I failed, I wish I didn't convince you to take Morrigan's offer, I wish I with the Orlesian Wardens earlier."

"You wish you died." Alistair set the food and drink to the side.

"I don't know Alistair." she clenched her jaw, he saw her knuckles were white.

He pushed her, "Fight me."

"I'm blind."

"Oh and you stopped fighting when the Mother cut across you face? I read Sigrun's report of the aftermath. You called down a tempest." He hooked his foot beneath her knee, causing her to fall.

"Velanna-"

"I know you magic signature. It was you." He kicked her hip she grabbed his foot twisting it.

"What the fuck, you enjoy beating an invalid."

He pulled her up by the scruff of her robe. "If you mean coward, sure I do." He pushed her back, she didn't stumble, she glared at his neck. He saw lighting dance across her fists. He moved to drain her of mana, she lunged to low and punched his gut. He didn't think dinner would go this way, he should have worn his armor. Twisting her arm behind her back, she turned into him, head butting his nose. She punched he sidestepped getting her in the kidneys.

Screaming, "He was ordered not to come!" she fell to her knees still screaming. "I told him to leave, I couldn't see he would carry me to heal them." Hugging herself "He was an insubordinate fool! I could feel the blood coming out his mouth as he kissed me." Alistair tried pulled her into his arms she slammed her fists into his chest. "My Constable ordered _me_ to tear open the veil and avenge them." Sobbing.

Alistair, "You didn't heal him."

"The mother had to die. She did. I was done. It was enough."

Anders was healing Alistair's ribs, "This Nathaniel showed her a few things?"

Anders nodded, "He and Justice insisted we mages know how to throw a punch."

"How did they meet?" Alistair was pulling down his shirt.

"He was in the prison cell, trespassing I think. Made a shiv out of a stick and grabbed her. She knocked him down and fell with him. They grappled he broke her nose she gave him a concussion. She thanked him for the roll and conscripted him."

Alistair laughed, "Sounds like her. It is heartbreaking she had to lose her first love"

Anders smirked, "Oh he was the first for a lot of things, but not love."

Alistair left, reminding Neria she always had a place in the castle. Cullen was walking with her around the lake. She didn't need to take his arm anymore, but still would. Mornings like this, with her hair loose, he thought he was dreaming still. He was too busy looking at her that he didn't notice a stone and he fell, and she fell on his back. Rolling off him she smirked, "Cullen." That was the voice of the demon, trying to trick him. "Are you okay?" She wasn't quite looking at him and her brow furrowed, she didn't reach. The demon always reached for him.

Blinking, "No I forgot I thought Uldred…" He couldn't find the words.

She was on her knees sitting on her feet, her head tilted. "Why didn't you run?"

"We were given the order to stand our ground. There could be no retreat."

"You've said that a lot too yourself?"

He nodded then cleared his throat, " I lost conscious and when I woke up a demon wore your face. Trying to persuade me to..." He flushed it was embarrassing, and why was he telling her this.

"Did you hear about Conor, Arl eamon's son?"

"The boy who was possessed, raising the dead in Redcliffe."

"That is a very concise way of putting it. You know with the circle's help I went into the Fade, to make the demon set him free."

"You killed the demon right?"

"Yes, I did. I of course spoke to it first."

"You chatted with a demon." The was an edge to his voice.

"I like to know as much as possible before making a decision. She offered me knowledge, love, pleasure, or power. I was tempted."

She was flushed biting her lip. The man wanted to brush a finger across the tortured object. "Temptation is fine as long as you don't give in."

"Giving in is fine too, as long as it is the honorable thing."

"A demon doesn't offer honor."

"She offered me your affection, she showed me the times I teased you or your stumbling words resulting in more- just more." She was red from the tip of her ears to her neck.

"You are a mage."

"I'm not under the chantry's jurisdiction." She was sitting perfectly still, she would not bolt. She heard him stand, and she wasn't sure were the circle's entrance was.

He pulled her up, "Do you remember stealing blackberries?"

Her mouth twitched, "You threatened to report Anders and me."

He stood a little closer, touching her face. "You offered me some fruit."

She had a slight smile, "And smooshed it in your face."

He leaned in close so she felt his breath on her lips, giving her a chance to turn. She met him, her arms around his neck, her mouth warm and inviting. He pulled her slight body against him, wishing he wasn't wearing plate mail. Breaking the kiss eyes still closed, he whispered, "That was the moment I began to love you." He felt her stiffen, looking at her she clutched her necklace through her robes. Moving past him, she called to Kester to help her in. The boat man was startled out of his leering and assisted the woman back into the circle.

The next day, Cullen took his post. Irving was waiting for him. "Cullen, could you help an old man move some heavy things?"

Following Irving, he was surprised that he was actually lifting a bookcase upright. "A very young apprentice, had a bit of a fit. Much like Jowan did at that age. Do you think Jowan being sent to Aeonar was fair?"

Cullen, "I don't think I know Jowan's crimes fully, Sir."

"Perhaps not, Neria recommended it. Blood mage and apostate he should have been hanged."

Cullen shrugged, kneeling down he was picking books off the floor, so the old man wouldn't need to.

"How old were you when you came to the circle?"

"15, ser"

"To young for lyrium. Neria I believe is a year older than you?"

"Is she?" Cullen was beginning to wonder if the old man had a point.

"Greagoir and I both worried about you two. She had asked me what where the consequences of Templars and Mages being friends, within days of you asking Greagoir. We took bets on when we you two would be caught."

"That isn't professional."

"Greagoir and I are old who have been in this circle for ages. You put healthy young men and women in close quarters, it runs its course. I thought recommending her to Duncan would resolve it."

The templar remained silent. "She is a grey warden."

Irving nodded, "She is also a beautiful, fierce, charming, and deeply hurt woman. If you choose to love her, you are choosing to help her heal. Go outside, I suspect the fresh air may have some answers for you. Thank you for your help, I need to find a large pouch now."

In the evening Cullen was removing his armor in his room and still didn't know what to do. He just wanted to be next to her. The was a knock and she was standing there, with a tray in her hands.

"I heard you didn't eat for lunch or dinner." She tried to meet his gaze but was looking at his eyebrows. He guided her in, taking the tray from her, hearing the door lock behind him. She stood there fidgeting a bit. "I don't know how your room is laid out, could you help me to a seat?" He pulled out his desk chair, taking her hands and guiding her to sit. "Eat you must be hungry."

He was, in multiple ways. When she heard him chewing. "I am honored you told me you love me." He was glad she couldn't see his expression, this was horrible. "I think I will always love Nathaniel, and the what ifs." Can a man be jealous of someone who is dead? "I have duties that I'm bound to answer, no matter my disability and losses." She is leaving, its too soon. "I want to love you back. If you would have me as the damaged woman I am." He was frozen and silent, his brain must've broke. After a while he saw her stand, "I'm sorry if what I offer insults you. You of course deserve a woman who isn't so burdened." She turned to the door and in a fluid movement he grabbed her, lips crashing into hers. Her knees buckled as she hungrily kissed him back. He moved her backwards, planning to press her against the wall. She found her footing and gasped, "Your bed. By the gods please tell me you are moving me to your bed."

He laughed, "You talk to much."

"The archdemon complained about it, it's why I killed him." She giggle and then began to laugh. He picked her up and tossed her into his bed, stopping realizing he didn't know how to do what he wanted.

She stretched and smirked, suddenly felt hot in places and didn't know how to deal with it. "Cullen would you like to tell me something?"

"I don't know what to do."

Propping herself on her elbow, "What would you like?"

"I think this cot will never look right again." She laughed and he realized this is the most he hear her laughter since she passed her harrowing. "I want to hold you."

She blushed, "Then get over here."

He woke up with a very naked woman whose thigh was thrown over his waist. He thought haphazardly he finally succumbed to the demon. He looked down on her and saw all the scars, Wynne, years ago, would teach the templars field medicine.

"In battle, there isn't enough mana to keep everyone alive, sometimes you have to stitch wounds close"

He knew Neria had a neat hand, he could tell others didn't while tending to her wounds. He heard the archdemon bit through her heart, he could tell by the scar it just missed. His only scars were from the rebellion and they were in his mind.

"Templar, your staring."

"How do you know?"

"There is a beautiful woman in your bed, of course you are."

"Beautiful where?"

She slapped his chest lightly, "Do you remember when you were patrolling the Apprentices quarters and bedtime and you stumbled upon Anders and Karl getting acquainted."

"This is an inappropriate response to me questioning your beauty."

She did her best Cullen voice, "You two better finish quickly, or you'll have to sleep like that." she was shaking with laughter.

"I was 16, I never. Maker you apprentices kept saying that whenever I was in ear shot."

"I realized I wanted to be beside you for the rest my life then."

"Me being awkward, making everything weirder."

"I love you."


End file.
